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Did you see "Road to the Tour" on OLN Thursday night? OK, Kirsten Gum. Saline or silicone? Holy geez. I was actually able to ignore Bob Roll's comments when she was on screen. I can't wait for July when Kirsten does the traditional jersey strip. This represents the pinnacle of both of both her cycling knowledge and visual benefit to the program.
"OK, this jersey is the white jersey. I really don't know what it's for, but they give it to some kid everyday. (Pulls the jersey over her head). This is the polka dot jersey. I think it's kinda ugly, but it looks cute on Dicky V. (Pulls the jersey over her head.) This is the green jersey. It is for the sprinters. (Pulls the jersey over her head). Now this is the yellow jersey. I don't have to tell you what it's for. . . No, that's it. I'm not taking anything else off. Hey, get away from me with that hose." (Cut to a Subaru commercial.)
I think Kirsten was just trying to live up to the new OLN motto "Out You Go." She was probably looking down when she was reading it and simply misunderstood.
Bob Roll is a dork. He tries so hard to sound literate that he actually sounds like an idiot. Why does he think he's Italian? He lives in Durango. He's constantly referring to the finale' (with the requisite Italian accent) when he's commentating on races in Belgium and France. I think he suffered too many concussions before Giro invented real helmets. I know Bobke speaks "fluid" Italian, but I think he drinks alot of it too. At least they've shaved down the wooly mammoth. Good god, I couldn't eat watching the show when he had those Greg Randolph sideburns. Actually, I don't care if Bobby Roll makes big coin being a dork. That's his calling. I just don't want to have to watch it during the entire freakin' Tour DAY France while he's waving those giant paws around like bigfoot. This ain't a free country, I can't turn him off or George W. I just have to suffer through it. I know they want him to play the court jester, but come on, Vaughters is alot funnier and actually has something interesting to say. Plus, he could correct the way Phil Liggett massacres every Spaniard's name. "That looks like GOOOOteeeeeerrrez." Why would anyone put the emphasis on the first syllable of the name "Martinez"?
What the hell is going on with all these embedded reporters on OLN? Do they know something we don't? I afraid that WWIII is gonna break out during July, and OLN will have cornered the media market. They'll be throwing it over to Frankie Andreu with Phonak for an update on the battle, and then we cut to Alex Steida with Liberty Seguros, and then Uli with the Kaiser and the Telekommunists. "Oh my goodness me, the carnage."
I can't wait until July.
Lionel Putz, Esq.
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